Raising Hasana and Trey

Middle School Blues, Whites, Greens, Purples, and Blacks

2011-01-16T20:32:00.000-05:00

I'm having some trouble keeping on with Hasana's favorite colors. She seems to have committed to black. Yes, black has been around for nearly nine months now. It's her way to express herself, since she fancies herself a hip-hop-pop Goth, if there is such a thing. Well, I guess there must be since that is what she is.

Hasana is embarking upon her fifth month of middle school, and it hasn't been easy. The transition I mean. No warning, just told-- well it is different. It is drastically, hugely, crazy different for any child, I mean pre-teen, but more so for a child with attention challenges. Different classes with their own special rooms, special books, special papers and not to leave out special homework. I can barely keep up with all.

Homework has been a particular challenge for us this year, but I think we're on top of it now--thanks to Hass's homeroom teacher as well as others committed to her success in school. Her teacher designed a checklist for her and we offer incentives at home for homework brought home, completed, and turned-in. You know it's a three-step process. It seems to be working. The challenge is exacerbated by her newly discovered jockhood--no she isn't a tomboy like i was, she's a bit of a jock. I like it and she enjoys being good at sports. It helps her find her place in her newer school. One that pre-teens and teens long for until adulthood, and even afterwards. After all, don't we all want a place, an identity--it makes us feel a part of something and I home. She's finding that, and I'm so happy for her.

Besides, success is a boost to the self-esteem and the more success our children, especially our girls, have the better their self-esteem which is critical when the boys start hanging around.

Blended Families

2010-12-28T15:09:00.001-05:00

Is there such a thing? Hasana is on her yearly jaunt with her biodaddy (my ex-husband) for a portion of the holiday. This means she has to endure time with someone, who, till this day, has never uttered a positive word about her, at least to me.

Thank God his sister now has an abode near by. I don’t totally feel the need to have my “ready bag” at the door in preparation for extricating my daughter from a hostile environment. Hasana was in good spirits when I spoke with her. She’s such a sweet and loving girl. She’s not a shrinking violet and no angel either. I can’t wait until she’s home in my arms again. Until then, I will hold steady, with faith at my door instead of a “ready bag.”

Introducing: Trey

2010-12-28T14:54:00.000-05:00

For the past year or so, my blogs have been about my daughter Hasana with guest appeareances by Trey. From now on and in 2011, I'll also post about my son Trey. He's now six years old, and has some stories of his own.

Morning Mania Returns!

2010-10-25T08:24:00.000-04:00

The dopamine pathways in mania

We had a pretty rough morning and it’s been getting increasingly rough. Now Hasanna has soccer practice everyday after school and soccer games. Sometimes, when she gets home it’s as late as 8 p.m. Not only does she need to remember the normal things like homework, but now she must remember her soccer and gym gear. I know it’s challenging for her and its driving Hubby boo and I completely mad as she runs arounds the house each morning searching for this and that making her room even more of a mess and the clean up darn near impossible before catching a 7:30 school bus.

I’ve updated her night time check list and Hubby boo is drawing up a room cleaning diagram. He’s sectioning her room off into five cleaning zones:

Zone 1: Dresser with the mirror (on top and under)

Zone 2: Trash can and hamper area

Zone 3: Desk (on top and under)

Zone 4: Bed (on top and under) and

Zone 5: Closet

We’re hoping this allows for easier cleaning. Her room is a mess and we know as adolescence approaches it gets worse. We thought we’d be proactive now taking our last stance before giving up the territory completely.

Academically and socially, she’s doing very well. So that’s a blessing. She’s stop taking her B vitamins. We’re starting them back up in hopes that it can improve her focus and lessen the Hasanamania!

MORE INFORMATION:

The dopamine pathways in mania

Dopamine is transmitted via three major pathways in the brain. In mania there is an increase in dopamine transmission from the substantia nigra to the neostriatum which is associated with increased sensory stimuli and movement. Dopamine activity in the other two pathways, from the ventral tegmentum and the tubero-infundibular, remains unchanged in mania compared with a non-diseased brain

Even More On Token Systems

2010-07-29T09:01:00.000-04:00

I noticed, after re-reading my post,that I didn't include Hasana's reward for completing her afternoon and evening duties. For the afternoon she earned one chip for bringing her homework sheets, and another for completing homework and putting it in her book bag (and placing the bag at the door). For the evening routine, she earned one to two chips. One for getting her clothes ready for the next day, and another for having the things she needed for the next day at the door.

Since behavior (and completing tasks) at school was our primary target, Hasana earned the most chips for doing well in school. The others were important, but not as important.

We gradually phased in this system beginning with behavior/tasks completion at school and leading to others as we identified the problem and need. We also gradually phased out the system. When Hasana was in the habit of getting her clothes together the night before, she no longer needed an incentive--likewise for homework. We continued with the school behavior reward system for a while until,in the beginning of fifth grade,she decided she no longer needed them

She almost always earned a chip for something. We wanted to make sure that we applauded her effort even if she hadn't quite completed the task. Sometimes the homework was difficult and she couldn't complete it. She earned a chip for her visible effort. During each part of the day, she could ask for help--when she really needed it. Also, on some evenings she had difficulty getting her things together. If she asked and visibly needed help, she got it and was still praised for her effort. She did not receive a chip if I had to complete a task for her, but I did praise her for her effort and listened to her frustrations.

More on Token Systems

2010-07-28T10:38:00.001-04:00

Let me first apologize for not posting the second part of this entry in a week like I said I would. I know some of you were interested in getting more information. With that said, more on token systems:

School

Hasana’s third and fourth grade teacher devised his own, very effective I might add, behavior modification system. His student’s behavior was rated on a scale which he equated to a letter-grade system for the benefit of the parents. Out of this World was an A+, New Day a C—you get the idea. He was careful not to assign negative names to any term, although he explained to parents in detail what each meant.

Upon returning home from school, we’d look at Hasana’s homework sheet to learn what her behavior grade. She could earn up to three chips for school: one for a B, two for an A, and three for an A+. We modified it for the fourth grade when a new designation A++ or In the Clouds joined the list. She could earn four chips for In the Clouds and we added a disincentive for a grade below a C—one chip was taken away.

After-school

Hasana’s after-school schedule was posted on the refrigerator. This made it easier for all of us. She knew what was expected and I no longer needed to repeat directions four and five times. She had a snack, did homework (with an expectation that she bring home all necessary books and homework sheets), practiced guitar, and ate. She received chips for a short time for completing her homework. We largely used praise and she earned valuable television and/or computer time for bringing homework assignments home and completing them.

Evening

The evening schedule was posted in her room and on the refrigerator. After dinner, she was expected to prepare for the next day which included taking out her clothes along with underwear, socks, and shoes. It also meant putting her belt through the loops of her pants avoiding using 15 precious morning minutes to loop her belt. She also needed to make sure her homework was in her bag and that any permission slips, money for trips etc. be taken care of the night before.

In the morning, Hubby boo and I were adamant about not signing correspondence, searching for a particular clothing item, or giving money for trips allowing her to experience the natural consequences resulting from her inaction. Evening preparation made the morning routine easier for all us. It was marked by manageable frenzy and less frustration.

Now, Hasana earns privileges or has them removed based on the nature of the event requiring a consequence. As she gets older, we’ll have to change things up again. We’ve learned we must be flexible. Some rules are negotiable, other’s are not. For now, things are working pretty well.

To be Young, Gifted, Black, and Fabulous aka Growing Up Girl

2010-06-07T13:28:00.003-04:00

To be a pre-adolescent/adolescent female is challenging to say the least. To be an African-American girl within a private school setting is even more challenging and, to be all of these and have ADHD with concurrent medical conditions, well let’s just say it’s really challenging. I commend Hasana so much for her resiliency, confidence, courage, and steadfastness.

I’m sure I’ve been walking around with undiagnosed ADHD and other “conditions” to boot. I’ve just learned how to compensate for those things for which I know are my challenges. I know what they are, but not why they are. My parents weren’t aware of all the fancy testing, brain mapping, and other detailed evaluations that were available that could have explained my obvious lack of self-control, sequencing difficulties, moderate depression, rage, and other behavior and learning challenges. Hubby boo and I, however in this age of “parenting” and access to information, have done many of these “evaluations” for Hasana so we could become more effective parents. Yes, I’m sure she’d figure it out without her parents as many of us have, but we decided it wouldn’t hurt for her to get a head start.

I say all of this to say, Hasana and I are embarking on trying times. I say “we” because as an adolescent girl, I know she’s going to go through it and that as her mother, I will share her pain. Recently, Hasana showed me a Google chat moderated by a girl she thought was a friend. The chat ended up being hurtful to Hasana as well as some of her other friends. Upon consulting some of my friends and professionals, they confirmed what I already knew, but was reluctant to face. This is only the beginning.

I remember how difficult it was being 11 and those ensuing years. I remember how mean some girls were, how some boys egged them on, and how their actions made me feel. Oh sure, I developed coping/defense mechanisms, and yes, they proved to be effective for the time being. However, these defense mechanisms did not serve me well as I entered young adulthood. They prevented me from trusting people and hindered my ability to have substantive relationships, especially with women. I was rarely able to be vulnerable. Some may say it’s great to be invulnerable. I, however, learned that for me, my ability to be vulnerable was a critical step in my development. It took a while for me to dismantle these walls. Heck, I hadn’t realized I had them up. I thought they were a part of me, not a construction for self-protection. Pledging helped. I mean, when you’re on line, you’re pretty darn vulnerable (thanks Sands, roomies, and those of you who took time with me).

I know Hasana will develop these same defense mechanism and am all for it. Self-protection/preservation is the very base of our existence or at least that’s what Darwin would have us believe. However, when these defense mechanisms move from self-protection to isolation, withdrawal, subjugation or suppression, there is cause for concern.

Throughout this ordeal, I feared Hasana might show indications of the previous. I didn’t want my daughter to feel like she needed to be someone else other than herself to fit in. Well, I tell you, homegirl quickly identified who was a friend and who wasn’t. She didn’t take the actions of a few to represent the actions of the many. She saw it for what it was, and in the process, Mommy learned a lot about her daughter and more about those defense mechanisms Mommy has yet to dismantle. Thanks Hasana!

P.S. More on token systems next time.

Token Systems

2010-04-11T09:59:00.003-04:00

A parent recently asked me about token systems. I told her a lot has been said about them. Some experts (and I use that term lightly) don’t recommend using them, equate it to bribery, and argue that it is not the best way to teach a child. They believe a child naturally arriving at the desired is the best approach to changing behavior. I agree, but that didn’t work for us. Other’s recommend using a token system and tout their effectiveness. It is always up to the parent to do what he or she thinks is best.

We found the token system very helpful in our house. I’m not sure if it was the ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Deviant Disorder) or just her temperament, but Hasana had several serious behavior issues. Teachers in school complained as well as camp counselors, ballet teachers, and gymnastic teachers. If Hasana was in an activity, those teachers brought her behavior challenges to our attention. In fact, the token system was like a life raft for us. It wasn’t a panacea, but it sure did make things easier for her in school, extra curricular activities, and in the home.

I joyfully add that Hasana decided that she no longer needed a token system—we gave her “chips,” poker chips that is---in her third week of fifth grade. In fact, we had been phasing the system out during the summer and hoped it was no longer needed. After some behavior issues surfaced, we reinstated it just prior to the upcoming beginning of the school year.

I thought it might be helpful to tell you about the token systems we used for Hasana. You can easily design your own. There is tons of information out there on the Internet and in several books, especially books about Special Needs children.

First, we broke Hasana’s day up into four parts: morning routine, school, after-school, and evening routine. In this entry, I’ll go over our morning routine. Next week, I’ll explain how we used the token system for school.

Morning Routine

If you look at it, children have a lot to do in the morning. It can be overwhelming for any child, but for the child with ADHD who often has trouble organizing and resisting distractions, it is incredibly difficult. Hubby boo and I spoke with several professionals and together came up with an approach to getting the mornings to move a bit smoother. They were a nightmare. I mean I hated the mornings. Hated them! Anyway, we had to break Hasana’s morning up into to sections: washing up, getting dressed, eating, and getting ready to walk out the door.

In the morning, we used a timer (we still use a timer). If Hasana washed up and got dressed before the timer went off, she earned a chip. If she didn’t, she didn’t earn a chip. We started with 30 minutes on the timer, found that she could do it in less time and realized if she had 30 minutes she would use it, so we paired it down to 25. After getting dressed, she needed to eat. Breakfast was often (and still is, but less so today because all I can talk about is today) a time for an emotional outburst about just about anything—in fact at anytime during the morning Hasana could have an outburst. If she got through breakfast without having to be sent upstairs to get herself together again, she earned another chip. And if she had all of her books in her bag, papers signed, musical instruments, lunch and whatever else she needed for school, ready at the door, she earned another chip. Along the way, we offered support so that when she tackled these areas, she could be successful.

When you look at it, there’s a lot for the child to do in the morning. It might not faze us too much because we’re used to doing it. But for a child with executive functioning challenges it is a tremendous feat. Accomplishing it every morning deserves some kind of recognition.

Next week, I’ll take about school.

Boosting Self-Esteem with Affirmation Encounters

2010-03-24T18:51:00.002-04:00

     There is so much information out there that tells us the importance of a healthy self-esteem, especially in children. Children with high self-esteem act independently, make friends easily, have a positive outlook, are more willing to try new things, and are even less likely to try drugs. If you give your child messages which communicate they are loveable, worthwhile, and capable, it will help build their self-esteem. One way to do this is with an Affirmation Encounter.

     An affirmation is a statement asserting the existence or the truth of something. An Affirmation Encounter is a mindful, multi-sensory approach to giving your child an affirmation. In some parenting circles they are called Spells. These encounters have a great impact on children because they engage your child on a multi-sensory level: touch, sight, hearing, and smell. A positive affirmation can help your child feel good about him or herself and increase your child’s self esteem. They are positive statements about who your child is, and what he can become and experience. They should evoke positive emotions within your child. It tells your child he is worthwhile and capable.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Get eye-level with your child. The two of you should be face-to-face. If your child is shorter than you kneel or squat .If your child is taller, bend to the child’s level. Don’t stand on a chair if your child is too tall. He might think you’re crazy. Instead, bend him down to your level.

Sense: sight.

2. Make sure you stand or kneel within six inches of your child. You need to be close for the greatest contact. A longer distance will lessen the impact. Get close enough so your child can smell you.

Sense: smell

3. Touch your child by holding her hands, resting your hands on her shoulders, or cupping her face with both your hands. This will ensure a face-to-face and body-contact encounter.

Sense: touch

4. Say an affirmation to your child and then give an example of what the child did that embodied the affirmation. This is providing descriptive praise. The affirmation could focus on effort, improvement, show appreciation or just state a positive truth. For example, “You are so creative. The way you painted the blue in the sky then added a little yellow to make it look like the sun’s rays was so creative.” Or, “You are so smart. You ask the best questions.” Try to stay away from general praise/affirmations like you are such a good player—make it specific, describe what’s good about it.

Sense: hearing.

4. Hug or kiss your child. Close with affection.

Senses: touch and smell.

        I’ve tried this with both Hasana and Trey. Trey wasn’t too happy with his tennis playing. He told me he didn’t want to go to tennis. I asked him to try it again and did an affirmation encounter. I used the five steps I just described and told him he’s improving so much at tennis and that he was hitting that tennis ball more and more each day and getting more balls over the net with each practice. It encouraged him and he went on that court and hit more balls over the net than I had ever seen before. It worked.
        The next time your child is feeling down about something or if you just want to acknowledge his effort or something like a story she’s written, making new friends, sharing------anything positive, try an affirmation encounter. Affirmation Encounters are a great way to increase your child’s self-esteem. They allow you to be present with your child and to focus totally on your child---something all children need at times, our undivided attention.

Social Skills

2010-02-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

     I know it must be a difficult transitioning to a new school and making new friends in a different environment, but Hasana’s been handling like a champ, at least that is my observation from her feedback. Her teacher, however, wonders if Hasana perceptions about her school friendships are indeed accurate.

    Hasana believes that she’s connected with girls in the 5th grade, but her teacher questions if the connection Hasana has come to understand is a meaningful as she thinks. When speaking with Hasana, she feels great about her new school, her friends and her school work. She loves having her little brother just a few yards away in Pre-K and visits his class often. I’m inclined to believe that she is having a good experience. I’ve seen her self-esteem soar and her confidence in her own capabilities blossom. Still, prior to the winter break, she had difficulty with some of the class work and continued to have difficulty with transitions and the like. I wondered if my constant questioning of her experience, and letting her know that if the school is not a good fit--and quite frankly if she is unwilling to try hard--that we’d try a new one, made her reluctant to be honest with me about her experiences. I don’t think so, but this concern about her transition expressed by both the lead and assistant teacher concerns me.

     I actually haven’t had a chance to ask them to provide specific examples which would identify their concern. So, I’m not too sure what “it” is but have an idea that it has something to do with Hasana opting to read a book instead of conversing with classmates and ignoring some of her classmates’ body language. I’ve noticed that Hasana often ignores or is unable to read body language and am putting together some social skills training opportunities for her. (I found a great website, http://wingsforkids.org/experience/hot-wings, and book, Raise your Child’s Social IQ by Cathi Cohen to help me). Still, she seems pretty happy and pretty well adjusted.

     Just last week, Hubby boo and I went to both Hasana’s and Trey’s teacher conferences. Much to our surprise, Hasana lead the conference with a confidence and skill I, honestly, had not seen before. Needless to say, we were very happy for her. Since she was doing such I great job, I didn’t interrupt her with my specific questions although we did set goals and an action plan for her continued academic and social success which included Hasana’s improving her annunciation. Trey’s conference was equally rewarding.

     Later that day, I contacted Hasana’s teacher through email to get a idea about these “social” concerns (she’s raised these concern to me in private and has had discussions with Hasana about them as well) and indicated my willingness to consider social skills training for Hasana and my readiness to enlist school support. We are to have a meeting soon with all involved parties. I’ll be sure to blog about it.

     When I was growing up, I had lots of opportunities to hone my social skills not to mention that I went to etiquette school as an added bonus. (Thanks Mommy and Sugie). Don’t laugh; etiquette school actually helped me a lot. I’m not sure that I want Hasana to attend etiquette school, but think she could benefit from social skills training.

     I’m looking forward to my meeting with Hasana’s teacher and school professionals to ensure her transition to this new school—and more importantly into middle school thus adolescence, because that is what I’m really concerned about---is a good one.

     Hasana’ body is rapidly changing. Even during our last trip to the neurologist, he indicated to me that she might be an early developer. The onset of puberty is a challenge for any child let alone a girl with ADHD. Since estrogen levels are unbalanced, and estrogen affects the brain, girls with ADHD could and often do have an especially difficult time during puberty. I have added soy nuts to Hasana’s diet for this reason, but she doesn’t always eat them (and I’m not sure they’ll do the trick anyway).

   She’s shared her thoughts about her changing body and we’ve talked about it in detail including the moods swings that could accompany it. I just want to make sure she’s on the surest footing we can obtain as she embarks upon her adolescent life and that we provide all the support we can to make her transition as smooth as it can be. This may mean increasing her medication during those PMS moments if other interventions do not suffice; something that I am willing to consider. I don’t want her relationships to suffer.

    Hasana’s a beautiful girl and is growing into a lovely young lady. Her self-esteem and self-image are what will carry her through life. Building it and making sure it is healthy is important. So much of our self-esteem is built by the relationships we have with others. If we have good relationships, we’ll probably have a healthy self-esteem. That is why I think it’s important to make sure Hasana is progressing well not just academically, but socially as well. Often times, kids discount the importance of friendships and become loners. As adults, we know that relationships are important and as a parent, I’ve realized, through lots of reading, learning, and being taught, that it is my job (and Hubby boo’s) to help create an environment where my children can have healthy relationships which will help lead to strong emotional health and healthy self-esteem. As Brigg’s put in her book, Your Child’s Self-Esteem, we are their mirror.

Mommy as the Innocent Bystander

2010-01-11T20:33:00.000-05:00

        As I type this, Hasana is in full blown Rebound. I am in the room next to her, trying to be unfettered by the bangs, loud singing, outbursts, and other disturbances characterized by Hasana’s rebound period. She asked for help with her homework, and honestly, I couldn’t so I wasn’t drawn into it. (Now my dog wants attention and is licking the keyboard between whimpers). If the noises become too difficult for me to deal with---after all, these are symptoms of ADHD which really aren’t impairing her ability to complete her homework, in fact, it might be helping her—I will go downstairs and, if need be, place cotton balls in my ears until she has transitioned from medicated Hasana to Hasana without medicine.
       Now I am fully aware that my need for relative silence—noise is incredibly distracting for me which speaks to my probable remnants of ADHD—may be extreme and it is unfair for me to make or expect that my children be responsible for this “need.” My mornings growing up were relatively quiet, much to my chagrin I might add. My husband’s were not, but we’ve undoubtedly arrived at the same need for structured mornings characterized by relative quiet.
     I must admit, when I find things frustrating I am forced to examine the “whys.” I try to assess if I’m overreacting to a particular situation. If I am, at a later time, I examine it. It doesn’t make me stop reacting instantly, but it helps me understands and lays the foundation for practice and patience.

     Okay, she’s emerged from her room. Should I ask what she’s doing in the bathroom? After all, according to my time clock, she should have finished by now. No, no, I’ll just wait…wait…Okay she’s washing her hands. Back in the room she goes to finish her homework. How can she concentrate when she’s making all this noise? Here she comes. I’ve foiled another attempt to be drawn into rebound. Hugs…just a bit longer and she’ll be out of her most vulnerable period--and mine. Okay, how long will she sharpen the pencil; great she’s stopped. Loud singing continues. It’s okay. I think I’ll go downstairs now. I’ll continue this upon my return. Sneezes from me, God bless you, Thank you. I better get downstairs now.

Now the dog again. I best go downstairs right now.

     It’s 8:30 p.m. and all is quiet on the home front. Both children are snuggled in their beds. Trey with a splint and a sling from an injury suffered during school play time. The first, in what I hear may be a series of many when raising an active boy. Hmmmm, according to some literature, frequent accidents may be an indicator of ADHD. Well, in this case, some one fell on him.

Disequilibrium

2009-12-21T10:49:00.000-05:00

It’s Winter Break. If you don’t have child care arrangements during the break and decided to take some time off, you might be wondering what the heck am I going to do. I’ve decided to pair up with some other mom’s who are taking some time off. A day in New York, Longwood Gardens, cookie baking and a Kwanzaa celebration are all on the agenda. Saturday’s blizzard threw me off a bit, but I hope to get back on track by Tuesday.

It is challenging keeping children meaningfully occupied during winter break. If you have a child with a lot of energy, it’s almost necessary to plan your days so the days don’t plan you. Over the break, we still create routine for Hasana and Trey: projects, outings, and some academic work---that’s the plan.

Hasana seems to be in a state of disequilibrium. For the past couple of weeks, rebound has been insufferable with mood swings, flip retorts, and insolence abound. I’ve all but lost my mind. Hubby bear and I have been pretty patient trying to understand that her behavior is symptomatic of some yet to be uncovered evanescent or permanent emotional issue—or maybe it’s just hormones. I really don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve been praying for strength, guidance, understanding, patience, and the sagacity to consider and draw upon my knowledge base through these ochen trudnaiya (very difficult) times. What is certain, (and what helps along with the prayer) is knowing this too will pass.

Getting Through the Holidays: Behavior Management Strategies for Holiday Outings

2009-12-08T09:52:00.006-05:00

Holidays can be stressful for many families. Children tend to take the opportunity to show their individuality, assert their independence, or “show out” during the holiday gatherings, but for families with children with ADHD, it can be extremely stressful. The excitement, change in routine, and captive audiences, are a tempting concoction for any child, for the child that craves “activity” it’s a virtual Disney World.

This year we had Thanksgiving at Mom Mom’s and God mommies. Generally, at family outings, Hasana uses the opportunity to try out her latest show. Maybe it’ll be the sarcastic smarty pants from the latest ICarly episode, or the disgruntled teen from the most recent Hannah Montana episode, or maybe it’s the oppositional child from yesterday’s Suite Life of Zach and Cody episode. Although, we limit television viewing during the week, these episodes are always running fresh in her mind and she, and her brother, love to re-create them to our chagrin. Generally her already weak internal impulse control mechanisms decide to take a vacation in the face of diminished parental/ adult supervision.

Hasana’s medication suppresses her appetite so it defeated the purpose to give it to her on Thanksgiving. She is generally off meds on weekends and holidays anyway. Remember, before implementing any strategy, you must have the time, energy and presence of mind to monitor and carry out consequences. Our strategy before med free outings is to clearly state the ground rules and what behavior is expected. We asked the children to repeat them and to give examples of the expected behavior and what is unacceptable. The second step is to provide the consequences for both acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. We also ask them to repeat the consequences to ensure that they are fully aware of the expectations and consequences. Remember that the consequences should be reasonable. It’s not a good idea to set consequences that you are unwilling to go through with like, if you don’t listen, we’re going to leave immediately unless you are indeed willing to leave immediately.

Different homes have different house rules. It’s a good idea to remind your children about them, particularly if it a home you visit often. Mom Mom may not want children to run downstairs while God mommy may allow it. God mommy may not want food in the living room while watching television while Mom Mom may. Again, talk to your children about the House Rules and if you decide there are too many rules for your children to follow, it might be good to skip the event or plan a short visit. It is tricky for kids to navigate between households, but we expect them to do so. Since they don’t have the savvy that we do, we must help them navigate and give them the tools to do it. Still sometimes, when Hubby boo and I know that we don’t have the capacity either because we’re too tired or just want to be in the moment with family, and we know that Hasana is especially hyperactive, impulsive and unfocused that day, we decide to give her a small dosage of her medication. (We used that strategy when Trey had his birthday party. We knew we would be too busy to help Hasana manage her impulsivity and emotions, and were cognizant that she was particularly unfocused, impulsive, and emotional that day. We decided that it was Trey’s day and that we needed to make sure that he had a special birthday party).

We also try to make sure there are other children or at least some activities to keep the children occupied like crayons and paper, a good movie, props, or whatever the children like to play with at home. If your child is bored, she’ll likely get into things that you’d rather she’d not get into. Have activities for her to do. Another strategy is to build in breaks. If your child gets antsy after two hours in the house, plan for some outside time in the yard or on the porch. Another strategy is to plan how long you’ll visit and ask your child for their input or to let you know if she’s getting to antsy. If you hear mommy I’m bored, you’ll know that an outburst or some infraction will likely follow. Expect some wayward acts, but decide ahead of time which are completely unacceptable and clearly state the consequences for the action and be prepared to follow through.

Another strategy some parents find useful is the token strategy. Take four chips, pennies, raffle tickets, beans or something and tell your child that if he has one left when you get in the car to leave, he’ll receive a reward (which the two of you have decided upon earlier). When Hasana was younger, I used a loose version of the strategy and it was pretty effective. Still, you must be able to provide the reward immediately or soon to improve its efficacy.

Some parents provide incentives: “If you do well at grandma’s (clearly state what behaviors are expected), you can go to the library, can call a friend after homework, or you can stay up 15 minutes later.” Good old fashion hugs and kisses are always good ways to recognize and show appreciation for your child’s hard work.

If you’re having dinner at your home, give your child a job. He can take coats, bring the children to the playroom, or some other job to keep him meaningfully involved. Take out toys before hand so he won’t have to ask you or get them out himself. If there is a special toy that your child has difficulty sharing, make sure it isn’t included. This avoids spats over sharing. Put him “in charge” of something and try to get him to stick to it. Hasana’s job is to host the children. We discuss the “job” its duties and our expectations. When she has the role of host, the other children get to play longer with the toys. If a problem arises, Hasana knows to seek an adult’s help.

Holiday’s are special times that should be enjoyed by all. The thought of your ADHD child at a restaurant or a relative’s house make some parents cringe, especially if it’s a relative who doesn’t understand ADHD. Parent’s can feel embarrassed, inadequate, and depressed. If it is too much for you, plan a holiday gathering with those who are more accepting and/or understanding of your ADHD child’s behavior. If you’re regretting the party before you get there, it’s likely you won’t have a good time. If you have a strategy a head of time, you’ll feel better equipped to deal with most situations that arise. Remember to catch your child doing something right. Acknowledging her achievement is a great way to help her build her self-esteem.

Winter break is around the corner…more on that next time.

Rebound: Homework Strategies

2009-11-05T19:44:00.009-05:00

Last school year and during the summer, the mornings were undoubtedly Hasana’s preferred meltdown time. Now it seems, her preferred meltdown time is after school, more specifically, just when she’s about to do homework. It took us a while to get mornings under control in our house. We used positive reinforcement for good behavior (a chip) and negative reinforcement for poor behavior (took a chip away). We, ultimately, did get it under control and Hasana made out well. Now, we have little difficulty in the morning. The timer does all of the work.

How quickly I forgot about the frustrating mornings. The first couple of weeks into school, I found myself so frustrated during homework time that I asked Hubbyboo to come home a bit early two days out of the week to help with homework. Between Hasana and Trey and fixing dinner, it became much too much for me and I had begun to blow a gasket. Still, we knew there must be a better way. Homework that was supposed to take an hour took two hours. Hasana’s attitude was really atrocious. She was flippant, insouciant, and dismissive. It drove me crazy, and she knew it. After several tumultuous late-afternoons, it was time to build a strategy. We had conquered the mornings only to be reintroduced to a similar behavior in the afternoon.

From what I understand, according the literature and research, children with ADHD have what is called a “rebound” period when medication wears off. In the morning, they have a similar an event. Those neurotransmitters have been resting (that is working within a brain that is sleep), in the morning, since the child with ADHD’s neurotransmitters aren’t engaged at full scale, the brain tries to whip them into shape so to speak. Hasana tried to stimulate herself, often through negative behavior, by getting a rise out of me so she can get a rise out of her brain. I understood this, but it didn’t make things easier. It did force me to think of a strategy to deal with this manifestation of the disorder; likewise, with the whole homework debacle. Interesting enough, these homework wars occurred during Hasana’s rebound period, which, like the morning (before our intervention) was marked by flippancy, poor focus, and emotionally breakdowns.

Hubbybear had a great strategy. When doing homework with Hasana, he timed each activity. Together they decided how long it should take to complete her math homework. Hubby would set the oven timer and go upstairs leaving Hasana with little distractions. He’d check on her every 15 minutes or so to make sure she was on task. It actually worked. If Hasana wasn’t done the homework in the prescribed time, she automatically went to the next assignment. If there was time left over, she might return to the unfinished homework. When given specified time restraints, Hasana, almost always, met them.

After each completed homework assignment, Hasana got a break. She decided what she wanted to do for the five minutes—television was off the table, but she could complete a dot to dot, a brain teaser, look at a magazine, play with her brother or speak with me or hubby.
The strategy proved successful, and I’ve been using it. My problem is that I tend to hover. The new strategy calls for a no fly zone. Instead of leaving the room like hubby, I continue with my regular tasks, letting her know that if she has a problem with homework to complete all that she can. When the timer goes off, I’ll check it and will help. Still, she must complete all of the work first. I ignore the poor focus and the other stuff. Ultimately, she almost always beats the timer. And she knows the sooner she completes her homework, the more time she’ll have for herself (her reward). If she doesn’t complete the homework in the time specified, I’ll send a message to the teacher. It hasn’t happened yet. If it did, I’d focus on the fact that she tried. She made an effort to complete it. That is what is important.

Some parents provide rewards and other incentives for completed homework. Other parents, through their child’s 504 Accommodation Plan or IEP, request less homework and in some cases no homework at all. Although, Hasana had a 504 in third grade, we decided she should be expected to complete the same amount of homework as her classmates. Most days she finished, others, she didn’t. Her teacher understood that sometimes her homework would be incomplete. If she was struggling particularly hard, we didn’t force it. (In fact, Hasana’s third and fourth grade teacher was incredibly understanding and provided great academic and behavior incentives and rewards in class which made things much easier for us as home. Thanks Teacher Joe).

Now, when she enters the “rebound” period, I let her be. It’s generally just about a half an hour. I know it’s a difficult time for her and am empathetic; still I can’t deal with the “attitude” and “drama.” Knowing this, and instead of reacting, I take a back seat, remove myself from the area if I have to, and wait until rebound is over. I also know that homework can be pretty overwhelming for a child with ADHD.

Homework Helpers
Completing homework requires several steps: writing the assignment, bringing it and other materials home, organizing your work to complete homework, completing the homework, getting it into the book bag, and turning it in. Dedicating a prescribed time limit per assignment has worked wonders for us. Other things that have helped is having a dedicated homework area. In it are plenty of sharpened pencils, erasers, rulers, and scrap paper (pre-made with numbered columns). Having these items prevent Hasana from being distracted and sharpening pencils or searching for scrap paper, erasers or other items.

In third grade, Hasana had difficulty bringing home assignments. We began giving her chips for remembering her homework papers. (Again, she turns her chips in for various items and privileges). Now, and in fifth grade, she generally remembers her homework papers and accompanying materials. If your child doesn’t remember books and/or assignments, try using an incentive (a chip, extra game or television time, or something else your child loves).

Always ask your child’s teacher what is the homework policy. If your 504 or IEP does not include strategies for homework, work with your child’s teacher on appropriate amount of homework for your child. Many schools use the ten minute per year of grade level as the norm for homework assignments. Again, if the homework is too much, talk to your child’s teacher.
Also, don’t do what I do, or use to do: hover. Homework is your child’s responsibility, not yours. We should not be an active participant in homework. We should help facilitate the process, but not complete the process.

We posted questions near the homework area like, did you check your homework, is your homework in your bag along with you papers, and did you get your papers signed that need signing? For the evening we posted questions in her room like, did you take your clothes out for tomorrow including underwear, are your books in your bag, are your coat and hat on the coat rack, do you have your instrument at the door, and is your room clean? Although, we still have these questions posted, Hasana doesn’t seem to need them as much. In fact, she gets upset when we ask her any of these questions.

They did help her remember things and empowered her since she was responsible for making sure the items were completed. Again now, she remembers on her own. Good for her, ‘cause Mommy’s memory is definitely fading.

Building Friendships

2009-10-27T10:29:00.005-04:00

As you know if you’ve read my other blog entries, we did home camp this summer. Like other programs, ours ended two weeks before the first day of school. During those two weeks, I arranged play dates with some of Hasana’s and Trey’s favorite buddies. Folks were busy; I knew it was hard to work a play date in. We were pretty successful. Between friends and relatives, we went to the Aquarium about three times, the Constitution Center at least twice, and The Please Touch Museum three or more times.

For Hasana, it was a bit of a challenge. As mentioned in a previous blog, it’s been difficult creating a neighborhood friend community for them. Hasana’s school friends live clear on the other side of the city as well as other friends and family. We had to travel to ensure that Hasana had substantive interactions with girls her own age. I have to say that I loved these play days. Seeing Hasana and her cousins or girlfriends really enjoying each other’s company reminded me of how great it was to be ten. She now has a friend that lives only two blocks up the street and Hasana goes to school closer to home. Big friendship dividends I hope!

I’ve been criticized by some, but think it important to help and direct your child to friends when you have the opportunity to do so. As they get older, you surely won’t have the option. Helping create their community, a community in which they can thrive, I believe, helps them flourish. When they become teenagers and choose their own, hopefully, they’ll replicate what worked for them in the past. I’ve seen teenagers get completely turned around by bad influences. MEE Productions does an excellent workshop on the importance of the peer group. I say, if you can help choose the peers, sanction the peers, encourage the relationship, or help create the community in which the peers will be selected, you have a better chance at getting a good influence. Leaving it solely to your child’s devices, you have a greater chance of getting a dud.

I know of girls who, for some reason, adopted a friend who was clearly a bad influence and it affected them tremendously. I know Hasana chooses her own friends, but I try to choose the environments in which she selects them. She met Micki at her summer enrichment program. She met other girls as well, but I didn’t encourage any of those other relationships. I generally discouraged them (call me controlling) by keeping Hasana busy with “other” things.

For Hasana, it is a critical time. This is the time when menstruation begins, the body rapidly changes, and interest in boys grows. I tell you, I’d rather not look out my window and see one of Hasana’s girlfriend’s doing the “stinky leg.” I’d much rather she them enjoying a robust game of Miss Mary Mat or doing innocuous cheers.

Princess Tiana

2009-10-20T11:01:00.004-04:00

Both kids were home sick last week: Hasana for one day and Trey for three. You could imagine that by Saturday they were, especially Trey, stir crazy. I decided to take them out. On our mall outing, Hasana insisted that we visit the Disney store. I saw this as an opportunity to ensure good behavior during lunch. We’ll go, (although I don’t like going into the Disney store for reasons I’ll explain later), if you and Trey show good behavior during lunch, I announced. They did, and Hasana, who has an elephant’s memory pleaded to visit the store. I reluctantly agreed. A deal is a deal right?

I usually don’t visit the Disney store (although we have been to Disney world) because there are no African-American princesses. I haven’t bought Hasana any Disney Princess paraphernalia. I, like most girls, loved Cinderella growing up. What little girl doesn’t love princesses, which makes the absence of an African-American princess particularly abominable to me. I remember feeling left out seeing no images of princesses that looked like me. I wondered if I was beautiful, if I could be a princess. There was Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty, and Belle—none like me. Luckily, I had a mother and father who showed me images of princesses and queens that looked like me: Hatshepsut, Nefertiti, Princess Njinga, and Elizabeth of Toro to name a few.

I didn’t want my daughter to experience that same loneliness; walking around wearing a shirt with one glaring omission. Yes, I saw Nubian princesses, but they weren’t on the big screen and they surely weren’t on shirts, pockets books, or hats. Disney had made no effort to show a princess in my daughter’s likeness. Disney has an Asian princess, Native American and even Middle Eastern—ironic considering how some Americans treat Middle Easterners these days. They are women of color and I was grateful that Hasana at least have them. “But why can’t I have a Disney Princess bag,” Hasana asked a few years ago referring to the bag with Cinderella, Beauty, Snow White, and Belle. “Because none of the images look like your or me, and if the images don’t look like us, then I don’t think they really want us to buy it,” I would say to ease her short-lived dismay.

Upon entering the Disney store, I saw tucked away on a display in the left corner Tiana, Disney’s newest princess. Her big brown eyes and milk chocolate skin begged my attention. I obliged, going directly to her.

“She’s here Hasana, she’s here,” I exclaimed like an eight year-old.
“Who’s here mommy?”
“Tiana, Tiana’s here Hasana. Tiana from the Princess and the Frog.”

I read about her last year. Originally, Disney was going to call her the Frog Princess. I, and I’m sure a lot of other African-American mothers, expressed my chagrin about such an unflattering princess designation in an email to Disney. I explained that I belonged to black women’s organizations boasting memberships of more than two million. I assured them that we would not be happy. Not sure if it made a difference, but I am happy that the name of the movie is not “Tiana, the Frog Princess.”

Anyway, I was far more excited than Hasana who went toward the games. I insisted that she come back and noticed other African-American moms with their little girls circling the display with an equal amount of glee. We chuckled to each other, verbally acknowledging how excited we were about Tiana. I know is seems strange, grown women excited about a doll. I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life for Tiana. I mean we do have the real thing with Michelle Obama. Now, Hasana has her own Michelle Obama and I have my Disney princess, Tiana.

And she is beautiful. She’s wearing a green and white bejeweled gown that resembles a lily pad with elegant, arm-length, white gloves and a diamond necklace. Her eyes large and almond shaped with a dazzling white smile, full lips and beautifully broadened nose. Yes, I bought one for Hasana and one for me. I even bought a plastic bag bearing Tiana’s likeness, which I gladly ushered out of the store with both my Tiana dolls—mine rests on my dresser.

I am so happy for Hasana and all of the other little brown girls who haven’t seen a princess that looks like them. I can’t wait to take Hasana to the movie. Maybe we'll bring our dolls.

Thank you, Mr. Disney.

Can We Talk About Parental Involvement?

2009-10-15T08:41:00.013-04:00

A friend of mine and I were just talking about our level of involvement in school and other child-related activities and just how difficult it is to juggle our time between or children's school-related activities, athletics, enrichment activities, and family time. We're not even including scheduling time for ourselves--that's a whole 'nother blog entry. (It's doubly tricky since Hasana goes away every other weekend). For Hasana, it's classical guitar and tennis; for Trey its karate. We also have the difficult job of creating opportunities for the family to be together without making them totally exhausted from attempting to satisfy an overly ambitious family schedule. (Hubby boo generally puts the brakes on things when it becomes too much. Thanks sweetie). My friend and I are a C+, B- at best for school activities. For athletics, I'll say a B+ for me and an A for her and for family time an A or A+. I have another friend who I think gets an A across the board and she has more than two children. Hats off to you girlie!
I know it’s important for parents to play an active role in their child’s school beyond the parent-teachers’ conferences, occasional home, and school association-type meetings and Back to School Night. But does your involvement in your children’s school activities indicate your interest in your child’s education? I know it doesn’t, but I swear, I think some parents and teachers try to use it as a barometer. There is an up coming bake sale to raise funds for a trip, pot-luck dinner sign-ups, and at least a half dozen more things to sign up for at Hasana’s and Trey’s school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there are a plethora of activities for me to choose from. And, heck, the teachers definitely can’t do it all alone, I know.

But my forte: trips. I like hanging out with the “girls” and eavesdropping on their surprisingly sophisticated conversations. Watching them learn and explore brings me great joy.

A seamstress I’m not, but I do own a sewing machine. I probably won't volunteer to sew and hope there are enough other fifth grade parents who can. (BTW, Hasana used to take sewing lessons so she might do a better job than me. I’m sure she’ll return to that again soon.) And I can't wait until Trey has his first "class trip." I plan to be right there, God willing.

Now, I do have to admit feeling a fleet of guilt when other parents or teachers tell me how no one has signed up for one thing or another. My thought, I guess I’m not the only one. I do really want to do more or do I? Doing more would mean doing less of things like writing this blog. Still, I am willing to help. This fleeting guilty feeling is worsened if your child's school has been generous in ensuring that you can afford the education they provide. Luckily, in one of the emails I received requesting baked goods, the teacher actually acknowledged the number of requests and, sincerely, suggested that no one feel obligated. Boy, I really appreciated that. Still, I’m donating baked goods for Hasana’s class (which must be individually wrapped) and considering signing up to host a potluck dinner for Trey’s class. I like the parents in both his and Hasana's class so getting together with them isn't a chore. There are several other things in which I know I will be unable to participate.

Yes, as parents, we do need to be involved. But we can only do what we can, and most of the time, that’s good enough. Heck it has to be, right?

Class Trip: Camp Yonas

2009-10-01T09:25:00.003-04:00

Talk about baptism by fire; Hasana’s first field trip was an overnight camping trip. Yes, another brave parent and I shared an army tent with eight, 10 year-old girls. Well, actually it was eight girls and about eight-dozen daddy long legs and goodness knows what else. The girls were very well behaved including my Hasana. They played games and, consciously, refrained from gossiping about their other classmates. Impressive!

The children went down a zip line over a lake and took part in several character and team-building activities. I think the trip more than served its purpose to unite the fifth grade class. As for the parents, we connected too. We learned about the kids, the teachers, and each other. I think we all connected it one way or another, kind of like a retreat brings folks together. It was a great experience.

It was difficult watching Hasana at times. Her energy can be overwhelming for many and sometimes turns people off, especially girls. Still, she carried on, and like her previous school environments, sought out those who could withstand her nearly combustible energy. I think the lulling environment helped her control her impulses and the kindness of her classmates and the acceptance of a few, helped her weather the radically different and totally new school environment.

Let’s just say, I’m pretty sure I’ve exhaled. Well, I have for now. I don’t think parents of children with ADHD ever fully exhale. If you know of one, please let me know.

First Day Jitters

2009-09-18T11:59:00.009-04:00

“Is today tomorrow?”
“No, today is today.”
“Well is it tomorrow?”
“Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.”

Trey asks this question at least three times a week. It’s usually during our morning cuddling session. He asks his dad the question during breakfast. He seems fascinated by the question—uninterested in the answer, or maybe confused. He just doesn’t understand why tomorrow doesn’t catch up with today.

Both Hasana and Trey are off to a great year it seems. Our meeting with Hasana’s teacher went well. In fact, she presented Hasana with the “chill out” option that we discussed the day prior, when Hasana had gotten upset about what she perceived to be an invasion of her privacy. She had chucked her B complex vitamin and a classmate informed her teacher. As a result, Hasana and I decided that she will begin taking the longer acting form of her medication. An option we had ruled out when the extended version had previously decreased her appetite and caused insomnia. She doesn’t want any of her classmates to know about her ADHD and I respect her decision.

It was a rocky first day for me although Hasana seemed pretty unaffected. Trey was upset because I hadn’t packed him enough snacks. He’s a snack guy, like his dad. Hasana, like me, likes food. The second day of school was much better and today was another good day.

In a few days, I will help chaperon Hasana’s class on an overnight camping trip. Her teacher thought it would be good for me to go and I had mentioned at our initial meeting that I was considering attending. I guess I’m looking forward to it. We’ll be sleeping in tents. I’m use to log cabins in the mountains, not tents. Hasana is really excited about the trip and her new school. I’m happy for her.

ME TIME: Pho Hoa

2009-09-11T07:40:00.009-04:00

Upon a good friend’s suggestion, I am including some Me Time entries which feature information about how I manage to steal time and do things that I like to do. When raising children, especially Hasana, you must take time for yourself. I have to take time for me, if I don’t, I’ll suffer tremendously and so will everyone else.

One of my favorite past times is eating out. As a native New Yorker, and coming from a family where my mother regularly cooked curried dishes and made it her business to expose her children to cuisines from around the globe, I have a need (not just a love) to experience international flavors. I guess the need is also fueled by my early adult junkets to Estonia, Russia, Finland, Taipei, Japan, and a few Caribbean islands not to mention having my share of dates with men from Nigeria, Pakistan, India, Cameroon, Cape Verde, Puerto Rico, Senegal, Saudi Arabia, Trinidad, and Jamaica.

With that said, the other night I went my friend Dewie to Pho Hoa, a Vietnamese Noodle House on 19th Street in South Philadelphia. I usually frequent the Pho Hoa on Adams Avenue in the Northeast, but since our children were attending a writing workshop together—a free writing workshop sponsored by Mighty Writers (you’ve got to look into this if you’re trying to get your child to write more and write well). Another friend, who had hosted a delegation of Vietnamese diplomats, turned me on to the 5th Street location in South Philadelphia more than a year ago. Since finding the one close to my neighborhood, I’ve been hooked. What is even lovelier is that that Pho Hoa use to be a Sizzlers, a Sizzlers that my mother and I frequented almost weekly when I was a late teen. It’s ironic that I share this special restaurant with my daughter and son, knowing that my mother and I use to occupy very space more than 25 years ago and, likewise, share very special moments.

I ordered the Pho Tai, the Vietnamese beef noodle soup, and a summer roll sans pork. The summer roll is shrimp and Tai basil wrapped in a rice noodle roll. We flavored the light broth with Tai basil, bean sprouts and jalapeño peppers. The steaming broth cooks the rice noodles and beef. Yum. You can get a large for a little under seven dollars and a small for a little under six: a delicious, healthy meal for under $10 dollars. You can’t beat it, especially if you’re down for something different or just love soups like me.

Neurotransmitter Neurotransmission?

2009-09-08T14:12:00.006-04:00

ADHD is a condition that can make it difficult for a child to sit still, control behavior and pay attention. According to the literature, the core symptoms are developmentally inappropriate levels of inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. There are three subtypes of ADHD: Predominantly Inattentive Type, Predominately Hyperactive- Impulsive Type (Hasana) and Combined Type (inattention, hyperactivity-impulsivity).

No one really knows what causes ADHD, although many children with ADHD often have a parent with ADHD so there is some belief that it can be inherited. Still, the cause is unknown. What is known is that that people with ADHD have a chemical imbalance in their brains. There is less activity in the prefrontal lobe of the brain. Research suggests that children with ADHD neurotransmitters’, largely dopamine and norepinephrine, do not work well. Some researchers have suggested that there is an absence or neurotransmitter activity or less dopamine and norepinephrine in the brains of children with ADHD as well as a zinc deficiency. With this is mind, I started feeding Hasana foods that help increase the excitatory neurotransmitters that are important in motivation, alertness, concentration and memory: dopamine and norepinephrine and give her zinc supplements. I’ve stayed away from the foods that are not recommended in the Feingold diet when trying to adjust her diet to include such foods.

Bananas, chicken, cheese, eggs, cottage cheese, fish especially salmon, striped bass, rainbow trout, halibut, tuna and sardines, and watermelon are all good sources of norepinephrine and dopamine. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps improve mood. Where protein rich foods help produce dopamine and norepinephrine thus increasing alertness and concentration, carbohydrates like grains fruits and sugars help increase calmness and relaxation. We try to give Hasana protein in the morning and carbs at night to increase certain neurotransmitter activity to proper levels. I think it helps a great deal although I have no scientific evidence. Sometimes mommy evidence just has to do.

Remember to keep your child with ADHD away from foods with dyes, artificial flavors, artificial colors, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, anything white, food containing a lot of sugar, and processed foods. Whole foods are the best. It’s funny; Hasana seems to love the foods that are good for her. She snacks on nuts, sardines, and loves sushi. Brain foods are the best foods for your ADHD child and the whole family. Take a moment to record your child’s behavior after eating foods with artificial flavors and colors or high fructose corn syrup. See what happens and then make note of your child’s behavior after removing such foods from his or her diet. Try it for a week and see what happens. For many of us, any slight improvement is a big improvement.

DETOX

2009-08-28T13:57:00.006-04:00

It has been a week since Hasana’s returned from her extended visitation, and we’ve had no major incidences. Thank you God. Maybe it’s because she missed home so much. Maybe it’s because on her first full day back and upon the first glimpse of a flare-up, Hubby boo and I had separate discussions with Hasana about our expectations. I know my discussion was pretty straight forward, maybe even creepy. Since I know first-hand about how the “other” household is run (she forgets, since she was only six months when we left, that I know mostly everyone there), I made clear distinctions between the two. You will not lie. You will not be mean. Negativism will not be tolerated. You will tell the truth. You will be kind. You will be positive. In fact, as soon as Hasana began spewing negativity, it fell upon deaf ears. I know it’s hard for her to navigate the two households. She does an excellent job because she’s smart as a whip.

We ultimately had to reinstitute the no television policy in the morning. It seems the crux of most of the near breakdowns was television. She wanted to watch a show she couldn’t access due to parental controls: anger. She convinced her brother to watch something she wanted to watch during his television time: coercion. She couldn’t watch a show or she was pulled from a show: rage. Television is generally sparing in our household, but we tried to be a bit more lenient during the summer. Not a good idea.

We began our staycation. We’re following in my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s footsteps. They made theirs really fun. With this state budget impasse, staycation is about the best it’s going to get for us this summer.

ADHD Diagnosis and Treatment

2009-08-10T10:40:00.039-04:00

Have you had one of those conversations? You know, the one that goes something like, “Ain’t nothing a good spanking won’t cure.” The truth is, many of us have tried it, but it doesn’t work. If you’re raising a child with ADHD, you know that a spanking doesn’t “cure” ADHD. The conversation may go on to include, “Why give him medicine and pollute his system? You don’t know what they’re giving him and you know they are always trying to medicate our children”

The truth is, why wouldn’t some of us have concerns about medical professionals prescribing medication to our children. In fact, some of us downright distrust them with good reason: the Tuskegee Experiment and Charles Drew. Need I say more? Our distrust may also be fueled by staggering statistics which point to a failing health system when it comes to treating and diagnosing African Americans. African Americans are less likely than our white counterparts to receive early diagnosis and treatment for a whole host of maladies. We’re more likely to die of breast, prostrate, lung, pancreatic and other cancers; our children are more likely to have asthma and have an increased asthma-related death rate; African American women are more likely to die of heart disease and we’re more likely to die of HIV/AIDS, both men and women. The list goes on. The stats are definitely not in our favor. I can’t tell you why. I wish I could. I, like most, have a few conjectures: poor access to quality care, less informed about the diagnosis and treatment, increased stress, and less money for treatment

That conversation can leave (and rightfully so) one to speculate about medical treatment for ADHD. I think there is a belief, particularly in our community, that ADHD is over diagnosed. Teachers in the school system request the evaluations which, to many, are performed by a biased school or school recommended psychologist who ultimately recommends medication(s). This makes some of us also distrust the people who employ the school medical professionals, namely school administrators and teachers. Not so, according to some psychiatrists. They believe that ADHD is under diagnosed and under treated in the African American community. They might have something there.

But, if you do think your child might have ADHD or ADD (used interchangeably now), here are some important steps.

1. Enlist the services of a bonafide professional licensed to diagnosis ADHD if you are uncomfortable with having the school psychologist perform the test. (I say school psychologist because by the school years, the manifestations of ADHD are difficult to ignore). I recommend a pediatrician, psychologist or psychiatrist although some RNs, Advanced Practice Registered Nurses, mental health counselors and social workers might also perform the evaluation known as Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM-IV.

2. If the evaluation shows that your child has ADHD, explore all of the treatment options: behavior modification therapy, therapy, supplements, diet changes, EEG feedback, medication, and interactive metronome therapy seem to be the most noted. Try a multi modal approach to treatment rather than a uni modal treatment strategy. That is to say, try behavior modification and diet change instead of just behavior mod. Just trying one treatment at a time may not yield your desired result.

3. Define your desired result. If your child is old enough, ask him to help define “success.” By defining what you want you can determine what “road” or treatment to use to get there. I can’t express enough, to try something until “something” helps. We tried behavior modification before adding medication to Hasana’s treatment. I was ridiculed for putting her on medication, but we wanted Hasana to succeed in school. Without the medication, she was unable to focus and missed important work. The choice wasn’t that difficult to make, the emotional trip during and after were.

4. Become better educated about ADHD. There are several books that helped me learn about the diagnosis, treatment, and what to expect. My favorites are ADD/ADHD Drug-Free by Frank Jacobelli and Lynn A. Watson, Parenting Children with ADHD by Vincent J. Monastra Ph.D, the Gift of ADHD by Lara Hono-Webb, Ph.D, A Mind At a Time by Mel Levine, M.D. Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D., Understanding Girls with ADHD by Kathleen G. Nadeau, Ph.D, Ellen B. Littman, Ph.D., and Patricia O. Quinn, M.D. and ADHD Doesn’t Mean Disater, by Deniss Swanber and Diane Passno. There are several others that provide useful information that I’ll include in later posts. We’ve been using the ADHD drug-free book this summer. It has some great exercises which Hasana loves to complete.

Again, if your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, do something. If you don’t you, your child, and your whole family might suffer needless frustrations. You don’t have to medicate, but you must do something. According to the literature, children with ADHD are more likely to abuse drugs; more likely to go to prison; girls with ADHD are more likely to be promiscuous; children with ADHD tend to have poor self-esteem and children of married parents with ADHD are more likely to get divorced. The list goes on and we don’t know how the stats measure up when race is considered. I’m sure these same stats, when considering African Americans, increase dramatically.

Unfortunately there isn’t’ enough ADHD research that takes race into account. That’s a whole ‘nother issue!

As Summer Ends: Getting Ready for the School Year Ahead

2009-07-31T10:17:00.011-04:00

August is here, which means one more month until school begins. Hasana, like most children, loves the summer. There is a welcomed reprieve from the stringent structure of the school and work weeks. We don't have to get Hasana up as early, and definitely don't have to make sure she’s ready to tackle the rigorous academic challenges of a school day. There are no dire time constraints. If she misses or is late to Fashion Basics at Moore College of Art, well, she's just late. It doesn't become part of her record and the flow of her day is relatively uninterrupted. I plan to cherish this last month. As puberty fast approaches complicating matters, Hasana will also attend a new school next month.

Children with ADHD often have difficulty with transitions. A new school is a major one. The transition from summer to the school year is another difficult one. Combined, well that’s all I’ll say. Now is a good time to prepare.

We begin by increasing Hasana's weekly academic work by having her do "grade" level reading and math exercises. (She gets a reward when she completes her work). We also often talk about the beginning of school to help her become mentally prepared. The fun unstructured events begin to dissipate and the routine and structure gradually return by reintroducing the use of the timer for getting dressed, picking out the next day's clothes the night before, enforcing an 8:00 p.m. bed time, and expecting her room to be cleaned the night before. As she meets these challenges, we relax structure but not expectation.

On our part, Hubby bear and I discuss what we'd like to see for the school year for both children. For the past three years, we’d review her 504 Accommodation Plan in preparation for the yearly October review. ADHD is a bona fide disability. Children with the diagnosis are entitled to special arrangements within their public school systems which could either be an Individual Education Plan or a 504 Accommodation Plan. When Hasana tested into the public school system’s gifted support program, we included her accommodations into her gifted support IEP. I must admit, it wasn’t easy getting a 504 for Hasana. Since she wasn’t failing and tested well, the administrators at her school thought it unnecessary. I, on the other hand, didn’t want to wait until she began doing poorly to get a 504. After several weeks of insisting and an email to the District's special education director, the 504 Accommodations Plan meeting with her teacher, principal, school nurse, and counselor came to fruition. Our family coach helped prepare us for the meeting. (Whenever I can’t find the information or the answer through my own research, I consult Hasana’s therapist. Although she doesn’t see her on a regular basis anymore, Pamela Freeman is a great resource for us and she truly cares about what happens to Hasana).

This year, Hasana will attend a new school, have a new teacher, and will be in a private, instead of public, school environment. Hubby boo and I plan to recreate the 504 meeting with Hasana’s new care takers. We discussed Hasana’s ADHD as well as her many gifts, during the admissions process and the administration should be adequately aware. Still, we think it important to educate the teacher, and all of those involved, about our child, her likes dislikes, strengths and challenges. It’s also a time for the teacher to express her expectations. We’ll meet with Hasana separately and with her teacher so she knows that we're all on the same page.

Another must do for us is to see Hasana’s neurologist, usually about one month before school starts. (Our appointment is next week). At the visit, Hasana’s neurologist performs a check-up including checking her height, weight, blood pressure, and pupil dilation. Usually after a med vacation, Hasana grows one to two sizes. So far, she’s grown one and we have a month to go. Hasana had lost a significant amount of weight when she started taking her stimulant medication which prompted her primary care physician to suggest weekend and summer medicine vacations. Similarly, research suggests that stimulants can impede growth and cause cardiovascular problems. (Thank God a cardiologist gave Hasana a clean bill of health. We’ll do these visits yearly).

During the visit, we also discuss how Hasana’s doing and look to see if we need to recalibrate her dosage. Since she’s on the med vacation in the summer, we revisit the question two to three months into the school year. She’s been taking the same dosage for two years now. The neurologist, like us, wants to see Hasana stimulant free. We also fill all necessary prescriptions and gather prescription administration forms for school.

We reintroduce Focalin about one week before school as well as the morning “school day” routine. This includes posting night time, after school, and weekly schedules for Hasana and weekly schedules for Trey. Hasana helps us create her reward board by selecting the activities or things she enjoys the most. We also get her involved by asking her to help us determine what to include in her night time and afternoon schedules which she decorates herself.

Routine, structure, and knowing what to expect helps lessen Hasana’s symptoms. And as always, we must be ready to change what we created if it’s not effective. We’ll see how it goes as we go. I’m pretty optimistic and Hubby boo is cool as a cucumber.

Two Weeks Away: Extended Visitation

2009-07-29T10:16:00.020-04:00

Her skin glistens as if the moon herself lends her adorning light to honor her great spirit. Her eyes, their intelligence marked by their brilliance. Her laugh, hearty and jovial, should belong to one who, throughout their years on earth, has learned to arrest joy at each opportunity--wisely savoring its sweetness. I often wonder is she's a celestial body and uneasily wait for divine beings to tell me she must go with them for the sun is dimming from loneliness and needs her to rekindle his light.

Each time she is away, I think the whole house grows depressed from the rooms to the water and the humans. The house is sullen as are we. Hubby boo, recognizing despair, makes every effort to cheer us all. Trey sometimes cry, I withdraw, and Titan whimpers. Hubby bear, the strong and protective man that he is, bravely takes her to X-man. When I do it, it's with haste. Hubby has adopted the same strategy only with more decorum and his unique swagger as to not upset Hasana. Before she goes, we all do our hugs and kisses and remind each other that she'll return--the following day in most cases. That is how this household psyche's itself out.

Now, we must get prepared for her extend leave--two weeks. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to take some badly needed me time and special time with Trey. Because of the economic downturn and how its affect our household, I've only spent money on activities that I thought both would enjoy. I'll take this opportunity to do things that are largely designed for children under six. We have a few weeks to go, but I feel it coming in the air. She'll have a ball, and if I focus on that--I can get through it. That's how Hubby deals. I think I'll try it, but I know there will be a few melancholy days.

Home Camp: Mini Public Art Tour

2009-07-28T10:43:00.013-04:00

As part of our ongoing Home Camp curriculum, Hubby bear or I have taken the children to see various works of public art in the city of Philadelphia. I selected art work based upon the week's theme and it's proximity to our home and travels (didn't want to make it too laborious now). Last week was Re-creation at the Dorothy Emanuel Recreation Center with Trey. This week we headed to the Swann Memorial, the All Wars Memorial to Colored Soldiers and Sailors, and African Legend.

During each visit, I asked the children what they thought about the piece of art and then to tell me how it makes them feel. So far, the Swann Memorial has been the most fun for them. They got to join the other children playing in the cool waters of the fountain. I never thought I'd let my kids be one of "those kids" flouncing in the public fountain. Well I did, they had fun, and I enjoyed watching them. I thought of it as a Philly rite of passage. Park rangers did gently request that the children only wade in water. We obliged.

I found a great website, designed by MFR Consultants, that details the city of Philadelphia Public Art Program. Please check out the links to the fantastic art work. It's free, fun, and a great way to spend time with the kids. I hope the children will glean something from these mini-public art tours and will take a moment to appreciate public art rather than casually passing it by on the street. Next week we'll see Philadelphia First, Your Move, and Indelible.

The Monday After Visitation

2009-07-27T17:28:00.045-04:00

The Monday after Hasana returns from a weekend with her father is most challenging. In fact, it's the Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday after her weekend in New York. We acknowledge that it is difficult for a 10 year-old to navigate between two different households in two different states though she's (we've) been on this "exchange" program for nearly nine years now.

For those of us who have had the displeasure of suffering through a nasty court battle. We know all too well the traumatic effects it has on all those involved, especially the children and the custodial parent. When that child has ADHD, the battle is particularly damaging. The ADHD child already has difficulties with transitions. Transitioning from one household (and in our case diametrically opposite households) to the next is, quick frankly, a mind-f#%*. Each time she returns, we have to get Hasana back into the Philly household frame of mind which means: the gratuitous talking back stops, the viewing of R rated movies and shows stops, the feet stomping dwindles, the sassin' dwindles, the gratuitous staying up late stops, the hours of television viewing especially turning on the television the first thing in the morning stops, and the lying stops (or at least dwindles). In other words, we explain to Hasana, we expect respect and honesty--the same that we provide.

Our most notorious breakdowns almost always occur on the Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday following a New York visit. I know she is upset because she misses her dad and enjoys being with her cousins in New York. Heck, I love New York--its energy and its people. I surmise that part of her attitude is because she has to come back to a city with much less energy and that is much less accepting of her energy. In New York people love Hasana. They talk about how she lights up the room and how they love her energy. In Philly, her energy is much too much for most. Still, Hasana, and most children with ADHD, need structure and structure is what we've devised in our household. Having lived in the New York household, I know, first-hand, just how off-the chain it can be. It took me several months to bring some stability and structure to the household for Hasanna's older siblings, one of which, had undiagnosed ADHD. In fact, I'm pretty sure that X-man (my ex-husband) has undiagnosed ADHD. He has all of the classic symptoms. Still, we have expectations that, for all intents and purposes, help manage our household and help Hasana manage her ADHD.

For a long while, a little more than eight years, X-man had me engaged (and I often counter sued) in weekly, sometimes twice a week, court battles for either support reduction, custody, or a bogus contempt of court charge. He even had me embroiled in the city's child services division. The Friday before my wedding day, X-man called my grandmother and told him he changed his mind about switching visitation weeks with me and asked her to tell me. He no longer wanted Hasana to participate in my wedding. I had to go to court to get an emergency custody order. It was really ugly. X-man was angry and vengeful, and didn't care how it affected Hasana. I don't think I'll ever quite get over over it and I don't think I will ever think that he has the ability to put Hasana's need before his own. I do know that X-man loves Hasana. Besides, with two additions to his family after our divorce and 50 creeping up around the corner, he doesn't have the time nor the energy to burn up the NJ and PA turnpikes like he use to.

I really empathize with those of you who have been working hard to create the best environment for your child with ADHD and have had or currently have someone try to sabotage it. Lord knows that it takes painstaking work to find the right school, right doctor, the right psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist, social worker, medication, behavior modification plan, teacher and the list goes on and on to ensure your child's healthy development and well-being. For someone to come in and try to destroy all the work you put in--all of the work that is proving to be beneficial to your child--is heartbreaking and damn near maddening. It is so important for you to have a support system. Friends, family members, caregivers, and professionals can help make a strong support system. Right now, take a moment to list the names of people in your support system and identify the support they provide. If you don't have enough names, work on increasing your list.

Prayer helps a lot too. I prayed a lot and still do. Each time I had to go before yet another judge who didn't look like me and had to, yet again, prove that I wasn't a crack-head or gold digger, dimmed my light and forsook precious energy. Yes it made me stronger. It also hastened my grays.

The constant court battles, X-man popping up at Hasana's day care, ballet recitals, my house, and my best friend's house really challenged my relationship with Hubby bear. Only a few months into dating, I'm sure he wondered what the heck he was getting into. Thank God we had already known each other for eight years. It still put a significant strain on our relationship. With each custody case, child services case, and threat of Hasana living with X-man, I grew depressed. It was hard to watch and even harder to endure. So for those of you in that fight. Pray, for this too shall pass. Fight on and document everything. What helped me was that I had a network of professionals who could attest to Hasana's care. During the difficult times, we (hubby, Hasana and I) saw a family counselor and Hasana and I each saw individual counselors. Each time X-man came at me, he failed. But for the Grace of God and the wisdom He instilled in me through my Guardian Angle (my mom), Hasana and I, and Hubby and Trey to boot, are together as a family.

The Perils of Sibling Blues

2009-07-23T13:39:00.035-04:00

It was about 6:00 a.m. his usual. I awakened from my not-to-deep slumber to lift the covers and welcome him to our morning snuggling session. He had been breast-fed to age two and still, even at four-and-a-half, looked forward to Mommy's morning snuggle. I must confess, I look forward to it too. (Hubby boo thinks the bed gets too crowded at six). It was our hour, sometimes half an hour, of uninterrupted Mommy/son time. With a wistful sigh, I love you mommy, and my I love you too sweetie, we exchange kisses and smiles. Lately, his taken to asking for a big hug. I quickly oblige. Although he's already curled-up in my left arm, I bring the right around to create a super-duper hug which is met with sighs and accompanied with smiles and kisses.

This is what he and I do nearly every morning. Trey is a very easy going child. He doesn't ask for much. Given that his sister often occupies our time, I am committed to providing him with this much needed special time. In fact, where possible, I try to accommodate most of his requests especially since they are few and far between.

Balancing the time that one spends with their children is challenging. When there is a child with ADHD in the household, it becomes darn near impossible. In our case, Hasana, requires a lot of special attention--diet, environment, routines, variations--changes in any could denote symptoms changes that need to be addressed. Often, I fear Trey feels a bit overlooked. It appears he's decided that he doesn't want negative attention. Hasana doesn't really care which one she gets, as long as she gets it--not Trey. He's a bit more reserved most times. So reserved that we take for granted that his needs are being met.

I've been paying close attention to him this summer. Since Hasana is enrolled in a morning summer program until mid-August, an afternoon program until next week, and Trey, intermittent summer morning programs, it gives Hubby bear and I a chance to spend a lot of time with Trey and to fully attend to his needs. While on a recent trip with a buddy of his, I let Hasana know that the day was Trey and his friend's day and that their desires would fuel the happenings of the day. I first tried this when we went to Coney Island with a friend of Trey's. The little ones were to go on their rides first, and she'd choose a few rides after that. The strategy worked well in Coney Island as it did for Trey's special outing with his friend to Adventure Aquarium (another Home Camp excursion). Hasana got upset only once. I was very proud of her. I was going to let her sit this one out (in this case, go to her afternoon program), but Trey really enjoys his sisters company (thank you God) as do I.

It is very important for us to have special time with Trey. He loves Pho, so we go to Pho Ha (a Vietnamese noodle soup restaurant), the Please Touch Museum or have a special play day with a friend or cousin. We also include Trey in on any behavior modification program we're doing with Hasana. She earns chips, he earns chips. We post his schedule is his room as well as his incentive chart. When Hasana has academic work, we also have academic work for Trey. Sometimes Trey is unable to participate in everything Hasana does. At his young age, we still offer other options so he doesn't feel left out.

Hubby bear and I make an effort to reserve energy for Trey. Sometimes, it is easier said than done, but that is our daily goal. A short story, listening intently to his description of his day, a quick matching game, hug, or sitting with him through his favorite show, 10, 20, or 30 minutes goes a long way in making a child feel special. With siblings of children with ADHD, the special time is critical to their development and over all well-being.

Too Protective?

2009-07-21T10:51:00.029-04:00

The kids and I took a mini-vacation to New York to see my family and attend a block party (we also made it to Coney Island). We arrived on the birthday of my 95-year old grandmother. She is, for the most part, pretty self-sufficient and only requires minimal assistance. Her eyes lit up as Trey and Hasana ran towards her. She is always so happy to see them, although Hasana's mischievousness tries her at times. I often have to intercede in an effort to protect Hasana's self-esteem. Nana can say some mean things. I know because I bore the grunt of them when I was Hasana's age. The literature suggests that children with ADHD often have low self-esteem largely due to the ridicule they receive from others due to the manifestations of the disorder. To make it plain, their antics--impulsivity, excessive talking, fidgeting and several others--can really wear on you. Since Nana has always been impatient, the years have be gracious to her body and her brain, buy not her nerves. While visiting, the kids awoke before me, which they often did, and went downstairs had some fruit (only bananas and watermelon for Hasana) to watch television. Turning the on TV first thing is normally a no-no, but since we were on vacation, I thought it would be fine. Besides, it allowed me to get a bit more sleep. As I lay quietly, resting in my old-room, reminiscing on my elementary school years, I heard "You're bad, Trey tell her she's bad." Reluctantly, Trey uttered the words.

Okay, I thought, the first thing I need to do is compose myself. Memories of the caustic, verbal onslaughts I often encountered sped though my brain along with a wave of emotions--the most prominent of which was anger. I leaped to the floor and headed downstairs. Hasana, the dear girl that she is, seemed pretty unaffected. Trey, on the other hand, was traumatized by having to call his sister bad.

"Hasana is not bad Nana. We do not call our children bad and we do not teach our children to ridicule one another. Trey apologize to your sister."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Well she didn't eat all of her food, but Trey did," Nana explained petulantly.

"I don't like it," Hasana declared.

"Nana, she doesn't eat that. Anyway that is not a reason to tell her she's bad. In fact there is never a reason to tell a child she's bad. We don't do that."

"Well, I'm sorry, she wouldn't eat." What didn't follow, but I knew all too well, was that she didn't know what else to do to get her to eat other than ridiculing her. That was how she parented.

I have to make a very conscious effort not to fall into the same trap that my grandmother did. In fact, she's doing things the way she knows how to do them and although she's more like an 80 year-old woman, I know that Hasana is a handful. Children with ADHD often elicit such responses from family members, friends, teachers and others. For girls, the literature suggests such attacks have an especially debilitating effect on their self-esteem. They hear so much negative when they hear something positive,they are totally taken in. I've seen this first-hand in my niece with ADD. When boys started expressing interest, she lost her mind. The attention was overwhelming which caused her to make some bad decisions.

I worry about Hasana and find opportunities and activities that could help bolster her self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if I've been a bit overprotective. I've shielded her from family members and friends whom have difficulty adjusting their patience levels. I can't shield her from everything. Sometimes Hubby bear and I get so frustrated that we don't handle things in the best way. When we do, we recognize it and correct it for the most part. Since she's gotten older, I have allowed Hasana to have more of those experiences, mostly with children her age. I also think that she needs to realize that everyone has a breaking point and to be mindful when someone she encounters is approaching theirs. She is growing. I advocate, but think she is savvy enough to learn how to manage her symptoms and to "read" others reactions to her. I don't want her to compensate for other's inability to accept or deal with her, but I do want her to be aware and if she decides, temper herself when she feels it necessary.

I tell you, we learn as we go--a work in progress. By the way, Hasana is still doing well with Attend.

Home Camp: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2009-07-13T21:53:00.011-04:00

I decided to continue on the transportation theme. You might remember, we rode on a train, trolley car and bus to the Battleship NJ where we learned how enlisted men and women lived on a ship. So, a few days ago we visited Philadelphia International Airport to learn about air travel. I thought the trip to the airport would provide a fantastic learning opportunity. Hasana and Trey's God mother, Davida, along with her niece,Tara, decided to join us. To prepare, I contacted the airport's tour coordinator to ask about age appropriate sites. Tours are for groups of ten and above so we didn't qualify for a tour. Still, she gave us great information and the building blocks for the trip. She even sent an information packet complete with a children's activity guide. I tell you, she was absolutely fantastic. She told me about the public art photographs, the self-portraits by Philadelphia high-school students, and suggested we tour Arrivals Hall.

During morning meeting, (Trey's suggestion) we dole out rewards for good behavior (they earn chips for good behavior and can turn them in for a variety of privileges) and discuss the events of the day. This is also the time for the children to share what's on their mind. We end with a prayer. I announced our airport trip during meeting and really thought I'd get a better reception.

"Are we going somewhere on an airplane?" Trey asked. "No, not today," I responded. He seemed a bit glum. Anyway, I asked the children to create a You've got a Friend in Philadelphia card to give to a child arriving from a distant country. "You can pick a flight from the airport website and we'll got to the airport to see if any children get off the flight." To work they went on those cards. I announced the different international flights and asked them to select one. Hasana selected Barcelona and Trey, Frankfurt. Tara picked a flight once we arrived at the airport.

Upon arriving at the airport, we parked in economy parking ($11) and took the free shuttle to Terminal A, the International Terminal. I packed lots of snacks before leaving in an effort to spend as little money as possible. It worked. Anyway, we viewed several art exhibits as suggested by the tour coordinator including the public art exhibit (which was great since the kids will be visiting several of the statues included in this photographed exhibition of Philadelphia's public art) and the Youth Art Gallery which housed self-portraits by Philadelphia high school students. All were on the way to Arrivals Hall. How convenient was that!

Arrivals Hall boasted what looked liked 500ft (they were probably more like 50ft) walls. "It looks like we can touch the sky," Hasana exclaimed when looking through the atrium like ceiling. It was beautiful. On the wall to the left was the six-foot replica of the Declaration of Independence and at the very top of the walls were the words from the preamble of The Constitution of the United States of America. I asked the kids to pick a signature from the Declaration and to find it on the small, frosted partition a few feet away. I also read the preamble to the children and let them know that people of color were not afforded these rights when the Constitution was written. Since we have been doing a unit on slavery in America, the children were a bit aware of that fact. I also pointed out that there were representatives that attended the Constitutional Convention who did want to include enslaved Africans and thought it hypocritical to declare inalienable rights for Americans, but not enslaved Africans. How could America profess its Independence from Britain and declare its rights as a sovereign state yet hold people in bondage unjustly? This was a question that lingered and wasn't addressed until more than 100 years later, I informed them in Mommy speak.

Trey, Hasana, and Tara found their flights and impatiently waited for the arrivals. Hasana did well channelling her energy. I am so happy she looks for constructive ways to channel her energy without my prodding. She looked for a snow globe to add to her collection and attempted to exchange her American dollar for an Euro. "Sorry, we only exchange into American," the nice gentlemen told her. She looked at the arrival monitor at least 15 times before joining me, Davida, Trey and Tara for snacks on one of the round cushions. Nuts and bananas for Hasana , Cannonballs, raisins and turkey sticks for Trey and Tara enjoyed them all. I am very particular about Hasana's snacks--food for that matter. We loosely follow the Feingold Diet. In fact, Attend, the homeopathic remedy we are trying, is approved by the Feingold Association. I've borrowed from their diet, a nutritionist, neurologist and several other professionals to create Hasana's diet in progress. Thank goodness, Davida brought snacks for the grown ups. The kids seemed to really chow down, and I didn't want to spend any more money than I had to. Hasana got up, on occasion, to run and see if her flight was in. They soon realized that deboarding a plane took a while.

Trey and Tara grew weary and decided to give their cards to children exiting the flight from Madrid (not Frankfurt), while Hasana (and the rest of us) waited for the Barcelona flight. Needless to say, the children presented with the cards were quite happy--their parent's were confused, but quickly acknowledge the gesture with a smile. Hasana and Tara included their email addresses in their cards. How cool would it be for them to get an email.

We'll wait and see!

Morning Drama

2009-07-08T09:42:00.002-04:00

We had one of the mornings. She was mean with an attitude, I tried to talk, she talked back, I yelled, she freaked out, I responded-----not a great morning at all. I hear her aunt had similar issues in the morning. Just plain ole' eviiiilllll. It may have something to do with dopamine uptakes or it may just be she's just mean in the morning. I do know that impulse control is a real issue in the morning and couple that with the "drama" of a Gemini, tween, girl, you've got totally "drama-filled" times. I hear yesterday, while I was at the doctor for my poison oak yet again, she had another "moment." Yesterday's moment would, coupled with today's "moments," normally give me some cause for concern.

Yesterday, Hasana had to finish a book report which she didn't want to finish. Reputable sources report that her first draft was poorly arranged. Hasana has a sequencing challenge that became increasing evident as she retold shows she'd just watched or a stories she'd read. There is a clinical definition and description of this challenge which I may or may not get into another time. What I'm finding for us is the more analysis, the more challenges unsurfaced. What I've decided is to pick and choose. That is , those that have the greatest manifestation or create the most significant barriers to learning are the challenges to deal with immediately. We'll get to the others later.

Back to the report. Hubby boo asked her to redo the report. She had a fit and said she wished she was dead. Now, this would normally alarm us, but given that she had recently returned from her weekend in New York with her dad (the folks there--well that sums it up), Hubby was not as alarmed. He surmised the outburst was part of an overall strategy to not do the book report. He didn't fall for it. She was required to complete it and she did. He said that she did a good job which is something coming from a published writer and journalism major. I have yet to read it. I trust his judgement.

This morning's outburst the ole, I'm not a good daughter. Now, don't get me wrong, I know these moments are precursors to or remnants of something, so I will watch them closely and will investigate and speak with Hasana. Still, we will not allow them to be used to get out of "work" and this morning's work meant Hasana cleaning her room and reading. We tried the play mornings, but the transition from educational play to some type of academic work proved too difficult for us and Hasana, so we go straight to academic.

Helping Hasana improve her writing skills is a priority this summer. In fact, our home-summer program includes a writing unit with nothing too fancy, but helpful exercises. I got a really great DVD (Writing Strategies) from our local library to help. Trey enjoyed it as well. He got a real kick out of the talking pencil.

Here she comes. She wants to know what I'm writing about and why.

By the way, we're doing a transportation unit and visited the airport yesterday to learn about airplanes. We didn't learn much about airplanes, however. I'll tell you about that later.

Creating Community

2009-07-03T13:06:00.003-04:00

Hubby boo did Taller Puertorriqueno with the whipper snappers yesterday morning and enjoyed it. It was a short outing, and free. The kids brought home flags from the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. Reliable sources indicated that T, upon exiting the car and hearing a confluence of deep Latin rhythms, broke into a writhing, hula-hoop like dance. Wish I had seen it. Hasana, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the magnificent art work inside. Sometimes I wonder which one really has ADHD. ;-)

The Attend and Extress seem to be really helping in cooperation with her other supplements. I also think the summer enrichment activities she's doing at Ellwood are going well too. She is meeting and making friends from the neighborhood. Which Hubby and I have deemed a priority this summer. It seems to be such a challenge, creating a "play" community for your children. When I was growing up, in both New York and Philly, we just played with children on the block. These days, the children, or at least the ones on our block in East Oak Lane, don't seem to come out to play on the block. Like ours, they play in their backyards or go somewhere else. Where, I don't know. Again, we have made it a priority to help create a play community for both children. Since Hasana attends school in University City, most of her friends live in West Philadelphia, which is far from us. One of her best friends, however, recently moved to the Northwest, and I'm hoping Hasana will get to spend more time with her.

Our neighbors invited us to their barbecue tomorrow. I am so excited. This is the first invitation we've received to some one's house in the three years since we moved here. Our neighbor's son has a little boy about T's age and she has a daughter a little younger than Hasana. Unfortunately, Hasana is going to visit my ex-husband in New York so she'll miss out on the fun here. She left a few minutes ago and I'm oh so depressed about it. His mom is having a barbecue. In the 14 years that I've known him, I never ever heard of his mom having anything. I hope she's not sick. Anyway, I'm still excited about going to the barbecue tomorrow.

BTW, Happy Independence Day!

Home Camp: Battleship New Jersey

2009-07-02T07:02:00.002-04:00

So Hubby and I decided to try a kinda home-school camp in hopes of building extra special memories for our family and to create unique learning opportunities for the children. We've interwoven camp experiences with the home-based curricula and created a calendar detailing activities for the day spanning the following topics: enslaved Africans, public art, transportation, West Africa: Ghana and Senegal, East Africa: Ethiopia, Puerto Rico, fashion--for Hasana, and academics namely writing and math for Hasana and science for her brother T.

On Tuesday we began our transportation unit. I had this wonderful idea to walk to the regional rail stop from our house, take the regional rail to a shuttle bus to Penn's Landing and then take the ferry to Camden NJ and then a shuttle to the Battleship New Jersey where Hubby was to meet us. The walk from our home to the shuttle was too much for T. It was hot and he was tired. Still, he persevered. Hasana, with her long slender legs and full of energy as always enjoyed the walk. I, unwittingly, carried a heavy bag filled with snacks, a camera, three frozen waters, and my regular pocketbook contents. At moments like that, I wish I had Hasana's spunk. The children loved the train and Hasana even recognized neighborhoods as the train chugged along. "I've seen this from my school bus," she exclaimed. This was her first regional rail experience, T's second.

After drinking their water, we discussed the train as a form of travel. I told them our stop and asked them to listen for it. This was an important outing for Hasana. I really wanted to teach her about riding public transportation and being aware of her surroundings.

"Mommy, this is our stop," she said when the conductor announced Suburban Station. After arriving at the station we had lunch: sushi and pizza, their favorites.

Okay, now it was time to continue with our adventure. Mommy thought she had done her homework and thought the visitor's center was at LOVE Park, but it was at sixth and Market Streets some 12 blocks away. Think quickly Mommy, it's too hot to walk. We'll take the Phlash, I decided. The kids enjoyed the trolley car appearance of the bus, but it took more than 30 minutes to arrive at the visitor's center and took us a bit off schedule. No worries, I had decided against taking the ferry over and thought,perhaps, we could do it upon our return. After arriving at the visitor's center, we boarded the Waterfront Shuttle to the Battleship New Jersey where Hubby was waiting with our map and self-guided tour devices. (Oh, I love him so much!)

The Battleship was fascinating. In the admiral's stateroom was a photo of the most recent admiral of the ship who happened to be African American. The view was gorgeous from the ship. The children learned about navy terminology and how it is to live on a ship. Hasana's favorite part of the tour was seeing the Mess hall, Trey's favorite was seeing the huge guns on the ship, and mine was seeing the missiles. Hubby enjoyed the exhibits the most. It was a little pricey, T was free, $14 for Hasana and nearly $19 for hubby and I, but well worth it. I skipped the ferry back idea. Light rain had begun to fall and I was oh so tired. Hubby drove us back home.

Hasana just peaked up in the office to see what I was doing. "The ship was $19? Wow." I've been teaching her about econ as well.

Today, Taller Puertorriqueno!

Medication Vacation, Oh My!

2009-06-25T06:13:00.001-04:00

For five years, Hasana has taken a medication vacation during the summer as suggested by her physicians. She's lost weight in past, a side effect of the ADHD stimulant medication she is taking. It's healthier for her, but way challenging on our family. As I remember, or at least try, after the first two weeks of her being off her medicine-- 15 mg of Focalin, two, five milligram tablets in the morning and, one, five milligram tablet after lunch--it gets easier. But those first two weeks are gruelling. This is the first week and it's been quite challenging. Each morning Hasana has an emotional outburst over something. It really disrupts the household and affects her little brother when me or hubby bear have to deal with the "dramatic" situation. I have told her that it is going to be a bit more challenging since she isn't taking her ADHD medication, but she must do better about controlling her impulses or her summer isn't going to be the summer she hoped for. Yes, I resorted to fear. Next month, she is scheduled to attend a fashion summer camp offered by Moore College of Art. I let her know that if she doesn't work hard on improving her behavior, she will be going to summer school instead. This warning did seem to work. I also let her know, in no uncertain terms that we are not going to stand for her outbursts and disruptions. It's not going to happen.

Aware of the additional challenges Hasana faces, absent the medication, we've continued to give her supplements to help her manage her ADHD including: Fish oil Omegas, Flaxseed oil, B-complex, L-Tyrosine, a multivitamin and we've added VAXA's Attend. I've read that it has been promising in lessening the manifestations of ADHD symptoms and has been approved by the Feingold Association. We loosely follow the Feingold diet. Ridding Hasana's diet of gluten has been especially challenging. I'll get back to you on the Attend thing. I actually bought the Attend with two other supplements recommended by the company, but have since eliminated one of products. I think it's too much for Hasana, and upon reading the ingredients and indications more closely, she doesn't really need it. Hasana has just started taking it, so the jury is still out.

There is a lot of controversy about the whole med vacation thing. Some say that you do your child a disservice by taking away her tools to successful management of ADHD. I say, well, if we can provide her other tools to help her manage her ADHD, although not as effective as her medication, then we'll do that. Still, if I find that she really needs her medication for certain situations, I have no problem giving it to her and have talked about this with her docs.

I look at the summer as a time to try alternative treatments for ADHD. Since May, Hasana has had her brain waves recorded, undergone a speech evaluation, and a binocular vision evaluation. We hope to start her on neurofeedback therapy in the fall (I'd love to start her now, but because of her summer vacations, scheduling consecutive sessions proved challenging) and following that, interactive metronome therapy. (She does play the guitar, and I started that as my own form of interactive metronome therapy. Not quite the same thing, but I do think it helps).

First, Hasana will embark upon vision therapy. We thought that that was the most pressing matter now. Unbeknownst to me, Hasana was/is having difficulty with her vision. She wears glasses, but I didn't know that she was straining to see with her left eye. I thought she might have difficulty. As a baby the eye appeared a bit weak and slightly wandered, however, as she got older, it seemed to be okay. The evaluation indicated that Hasana has been straining that left idea and that vision therapy should help correct it. So we're doing the vision therapy this summer. I'm still waiting for the speech pathologist's report although her first indication was that her speech was fine. Hasana's challenge is to slow down so that she can adequately get her thoughts out.

I know this seems like a lot and it is. Being a parent of a child with ADHD poses significant challenges. You must educate yourself. And if you're a parent of an African American child, it seems to be a bit more difficult accessing information and treatment options. Just like across the other disease spectrum: heart disease, breast cancer, diabetes, African-Americans tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to treatment. ADHD treatment is no different. I can speculate why, but will not at this time. I just know that I've had to proactively search and get information. I mean I've had to be insistent about referrals, get on the Internet, insistent on an accommodations plan, insistent on changing medications, insistent, insistent, insistent. And it has been challenging. Still each day I learn and each day I love.

Fourth Grade Graduation

2009-06-21T06:11:00.000-04:00

I fought back the tears on Friday. She turned 10 and now she's graduated from fourth grade. I was very excited for her and crazy proud. Hasana looked beautiful. While watching her on stage singing, I thought of that little girl--that smiling face that I looked forward to seeing every morning since she was born. She did really well in school and on her PSSA: four A's and advanced in all three PSSA categories. Her dad, my ex-husband, wanted to know why she didn't get more awards during the closing ceremony (she was recognized as being the most focused--ironic right?). It took him to find something wrong. Other children did well too, I tried to explain. Then I just chalked it up to one of the reasons why I divorced his ass!

He doesn't know how much work she's done to get where she is. How much work my husband and I have done to help her get to where she is. (By the way, I separated from Hasana' father when she was six months-old and she met hubby when she was 10 months-old. We had been friends for seven years and as soon as she saw him, she reached out her arms for him. That was something I had never seen her do and she has never done to anyone else). He, let's call my ex Paul, until recently had done everything to disrupt our lives--that's another story. But I know he loves her and is doing the best that he knows. Hasana loves him too. I'm glad they have a good relationship.

Hasana had a sleep over a couple of weeks ago--a combo year-end and birthday celebration. I noticed several things. She's often on the periphery. I think she's comfortable with that. It seems that when she wants to join in, she does. I'm going to ask her about it the next time I notice the behavior. Is she sitting this one out by choice or trying to figure out to how to fit in? I'm more inclined to believe the former. Sometimes I am ultra-sensitive about Hasana's social interactions. I know that maintaining and developing friendships are often difficult for children with ADHD. Hasana has done a great job though. Her friends really care about her and understand her challenges. Yes sometimes, they get frustrated, but she and her friends seem to resolve things rather quickly. It helps that her girlfriends tend to be the smartest in the class (and not just book smart). I think that may be why they are more tolerant. Still, I just want her to have great friendships and I think she's on her way.

Next year she goes to a new school and I pray that she finds good friends and stays clear of the "mean girls."

Mornings. You Gotta Luv Them!

2009-06-18T07:31:00.002-04:00

I mean you gotta luv them literally--your children with ADHD that is. The mornings are especially difficult for hubby bear, Hasana and I. Sure there are physiological reasons why--the brain is trying to stimulate itself into action, blah, blah blah, but in reality--it's a bitch. Hasana usually has to make some outlandish noise upon waking that travels through the house disturbing even the worms resting below the foundation of the house let alone anyone (including her brother) still trying to catch some zzzzz's. Now, I wake her and remind her to quiet herself. I'm actually not that sweet about it--I tell her not to make any loud noises and, for the most part, follow it up with a hug or a kiss if, within the first several minutes of her awakening, she hasn't ruptured one of my nerves. If she has, after recuperating, I follow it up with a positive reinforcement--on my good days. Hubby bear, as no nonsense as he is, does really well at calming Hasana. (His techniques I sometimes question--Mars techniques--but they work. In fact, our family coach has applauded them. Hey, they say da da first). She takes liberties with me that she doesn't take with me and often that makes it even more difficult for her and me in the morning

When I'm having a bad day (or when we're running late, which often happens when raising a child with ADHD and for those of you who are, you know what I mean. The trick is to set everything up so that nothing new occurs in the morning--prepare everything the night before. Make sure the clothes are set out and agreed upon the night before down to the panties, socks, and shoes. Also, we've saved time by putting the belt on the pants the night before instead of Hasana spending 10 minutes trying to get it through the holes), it's really hard to incorporate positive reinforcement. I try to forgive myself--in fact I do forgive myself, because I know how hard it can be on some days. I'm still learning how to forgive myself for the frustration and anger I often have dealing with Hasana's ADHD manifestations. When I'm tired, they're oh so hard to deal with. I work on keeping my energy up and pray most nights that in the morning, I have the energy to deal with her. When I remember to include this specific prayer, it works.--shout out to my guardian angel too! Love you Mommy!